我

友人说我讲话太直，一针见血。说我该改。 

我相信自己不是一个无法接受别人意见的人。友人的话，我都懂。可我不觉得我有必要做的那么哗众取宠。我就是我。 

我总觉得在工作岗位上，问题不出在我直不直接，而是你的接受能力有多大。 既然问了别人对你的的作品有何意见，就应该抛开私人恩怨，用一颗好学的心去倾听别人的意见。这些都是我一厢情愿的想法。很明显，行不通。因为人家想听的，根本不是我的指点批评，而是。。。安慰，和一些钻牛角尖的话。抱歉，我误懂了你们所要听的“意见”。 

直接是我的个性，尤其越熟的人，我越不客气。我不会戒掉，但我会试着改善。 接受不了的人，我。。。。不懂。

已经好几天了。

阳光不懂躲到哪儿去。我的世界被困在黑暗里。

心里仿佛住着一把刀，一直刺，一直刺。

如果可以的话，我现在就想逃。我可以逃吗？

煎熬～

无助的朋友

你们听说过 "a friend in need is a friend indeed" 吗？

说着，在你最无助的时候伸出援手的是最真心的朋友。

但是如果说，这位真心的朋友很想伸出援手，可无助的朋友却不想接受，那该怎么办？

眼睁睁看着她在角落无助，却固执的不想接受任何人的帮忙，我忍不住对她的态度感到倦了，烦了。

坏了～

untitled 2

One thing I learn about life is, you gotta have someone that listens to you. It sickens me a lot when I feel no one is willing to listen to me when I am talking something seriously. It disgusts me even more when I am pouring my deep-side soul, and yet, people around don't give a damn. Gratefully, I still have friends who are willing to lend me their ears, and let me spit out my problems. And gratefully (x2), to have friends who are willing to motivate, love and care for me. A simple "you can do it" means so much to people. It doesn't cost you a cent to say that. Why would people want to be so stingy of those words? Come to talk about having different interests with people around, why would you want to disagree with something that your friends like so much? Just be OK with it, people. You don't have to show that disgusted face which really turn people off so much? Brrrr

untitled

I am not a good lover. I never admitted that I am one. The fact is that, I wasn't born to be one.

I was so much a heartbreaker even since I had an inexplicable first love, like what most people had. I know it's a bad idea to put the blame on that one relationship. But the start is always the one that took the most emotions and left the deepest cut.

Since then, I had always been lost in love. Of course I am not too dumb to realize that at most time, I am the one who broke the other's heart. Somehow, I don't find myself wrong to be so honest to them because I was honest to myself. I can't live in a life that doesn't belong to me.

Speaking about freedom, I'd always lived under my parents' supervision. Food I eat, clothes I wear, the language I speak, and even, my hobby, has to be approved by them. It weren't that bad you see. Everything was guaranteed. I never got to know bad friends as I barely even mixed with people out of my school/tuition/college. Cons, I don't really know the right way to communicate. Worst is, I've no guts to face the world on my own due to over-dependence on family.

Back to the topic, as I lived under such conditions, I hunger more for freedom. At least, the freedom of thoughts. I don't mind to be the bad one in the relationship. But I really mind if I can't think the way I want it to be. How many more decades I can live in this world, living the way I want it to be? There were too many things that I've missed out during the past two decades. Duh, of course I'm not regretting about not making a change earlier. All I want is to slowly gain my freedom from now on. I have this bad+immoral 'habit' where I care less about how others feel. It's a habit that I want to get rid off. But I don't get to be selfish much when I was at home. I want to feel myself when I am out there even though I know I won't be likable when I do that. But when I was out of home, those selfishnesses drained me up. I couldn't even find a hole to dig into.

There's no conclusion for this. Just some rantings that needed to be spitted out.

Because it has all to do with money

When I was young, I always say happiness first. Money second. Easy to say, but hard to keep the promise.

As we grow up, we see the value of things. Every luxury has everything to do with money.

You buy stuff with money.

You buy time with money.

You buy people's heart with money.

The world is so tough. When you own something better, or possess a higher class, people look at you in a different way. Totally feel it when I just bought my Mac recently. It's like when you buy a Mac, you are of a higher status in the society. That's stereotype. This is the reason why I can't blame people for being so in love with money because with money, you earn adoration or maybe self-esteem. Even though I don't really like the idea of judging someone by something he/she owns, but ironically, that's the fact.

Come to think of it. We neither need an iPad or and iPhone. Many bought it just to gain approval from the society(or just to show off?). To me, it's silly to read from an iPad. People who love reading will understand why. And iPhone, despite the fact that it has the highest radiation level among all the smart phones, people just don't care. Having a status in the society is more important than their health(I think).

Sickening world we are living in. People no more talk with heart. Instead, they talk with money. Gahh~~ That's so lousy.

如果人生如戏

因为暑假的关系，连续看了三部连续剧。

看这些连续剧时都会很迷这些如此梦幻的故事。男主角一定很帅，不然就很厉害，不然就很有钱。女的，或许可爱，或许漂亮，但是好像都不会太聪明。要有点笨笨的，才可爱一些。

啊~连续剧把人生说的太简单了。

人生，怎么就只有那几位好友。

又怎么只有爸爸妈妈的烦恼。（现实中，其实有很多三姑六婆，左邻右舍，亲朋好友，哩哩啦啦）

又怎么会有“真相大白”。

又怎么只有那些用十只手指可以数得完的烦恼~

真正的人生有太多太多的插曲了。

真相太难找得出了。找到的话就真的是奇迹。（看看政治就懂了）

朋友太多。每个的感受都得顾虑。

对电脑的时间多过对任何东西。所以，所有的戏剧都只能在msn或facebook里发生。

说了这么多，其实，我是羡慕连续剧的剧情罢了。

多么简单。

唉~ 重点还是，真相一定会大白的！

为什么我们的现实生活不能简单一些呢。。

如果我变成回忆

如果有哪天，我比我家人更早离开这个世界，我希望他们能够读这篇文章。

献给我至爱的家人，

我要的爱，

不是金钱。

也不是时间。

我要的爱，

是在我最辛苦的时候，拍拍我的肩旁，跟我说“孩子，加油啊！”

我要的爱，

是在我很努力，却考不好的时候告诉我，“努力过就好了！”

我要的爱，

是在我最无助的时候，站在我这儿，帮我一把，挺我到底。再一句，“别怕。我们都在！”

这，就是我要的爱。

我真的有那么贪心吗？

只要一句加油，我就会有无限的力量，继续走下去。

只要一句“你都没努力读书！”， 我就会痛侧心扉。因为，我真的很爱你们。所以也很在意你们对我的看法。

起身，吃饭，上课，放学，赶功课，睡觉；一切一切都是为了梦想前进。虽然老师都说，我们来这儿，都是为了学习，不是为了成绩。但是，你们都抱着期望，希望我能关关都考得优等。所以，无形的压力一直压迫着我。一方想，努力就好了。一方又想，真不希望让你们失望。这种感受，你们又何了解么？

在外面吃多少痛苦，都不够你们对我的否定来的痛苦。你们懂吗？

现在，我也只能够期望你们的醒觉。

感谢老天赐给我力量，继续走下去。

无论如何，我绝不轻生。

Phobophobia

Fear of having phobia. That's me. It seems to be a daily thing to remind myself that I should get rid of whatever fear I have because I don't wanna be feared by anything. And yet, the negative consequence is that I became even more fearful of everything. It terrifies me, the fact that I couldn't calm myself down. So serious that I have to keep praying "namo amitabha" to fall asleep, to make myself forget about the anxieties and stress. Even if I managed to fall asleep, in my dream, it's always the things that I am feared of appeared in my dreams. The fear of being punished, being nagged, being scolded, lost of someone/something important, unable to complete my assignments, being harassed, as so on so forth.

Ok. I think I need some therapies. :/

Fear

This semester started with so many scary stuff. I can foresee how dead I will be in the coming weeks already. Zz.. So far, the subjects are very interesting. But I somehow can feel that I might not have enough time to do the best for all. *sigh* Why do they have to put so many challenging subjects in one semester? Are we even half a robot?

You

Never in my life I'd felt this pain before. It's like thorns poking my heart for millions of times and yet, I have no strength to stop them from hurting me.

My heart ached. It still aches now. Tears did not behave well. They came streaming down my face on and on until my pillow was wet. Even when I woke up this morning, it was still so painful for me to live a normal life again. The damage is done. And all I can do now is wait, wait for the wound to heal by its own.

Still, I can't help but to ask; why do you have to put me through this?

.........

Thanks.. What a shame

Finally, my mom gave me money to buy my Nikon D90 DSLR.

The money didn't come easy. I knew. She worked hard in the past few months to earn the money for me to get it. Every piece of note paid for this camera aches my heart. I feel so ashamed of myself. To get me something that I need for my course, I had to put so much burden on my parents. My dream is accomplished because, because and because of my parents. Paying that darn bloody expensive fees, paying that darn expensive camera, giving me extra ++ allowance just because of the shopping temptation in me in the past few months and my carelessness of losing my own wallet last week*,.... those are definitely not the reason I am born in this world.

*I overspent until I spent all my own savings.. Besides, because of my carelessness, my wallet was stolen/lost/dunno what dunno what. Money flies here and there. I was so darn broke. But, because, because and because of my considerate mom who gave me ++ allowance, my financial problem is settled...... I feel so malu now. Why do they have to be responsible on my irresponsibility? This sucks! I sucks!

*ROAR*

I prohibit myself from getting ANY clothes in these few months.

I prohibit myself from eating too much of expensive food (like as if I am born in a DARN BLOODY RICH family).

I prohibit myself from having Starbucks more than once in a week.

YES! I am saying this for real. Slap myself if I break any of these.

Emo shit

Hello people. Here I am again. It had been a while since I last updated about myself. Now that I realized it wasn't because I have nothing to talk about. It's just... me, escaping from the feelings that I felt. Maybe, I had been deceiving myself a lot in the past few weeks.

I had no idea why. No idea why I feel so conflicted now. The anger, the anxiety and the insecurity crept into my mind and haunted me for so many hours. Breathless. That's what I felt. I needed to talk to someone so badly, yet, I didn't seek for anyone. I heard nothing. I saw nothing. I spoke nothing. The emotional turmoil had overwhelmed me way too much. Tears welled up in my eyes, but I kept telling myself to hold them back.

I hate this feeling. Everyone hates this feeling! Damn this effing world!! Why do human have to suffer in this way?!?

Life is... unfair (Yes, yes. Everyone knows that)

*roar*

This is a so-damn-freaking-boring topic. And yet, I still wanna bring this topic up again. Recently, I could feel that I am like those hardworking nerds who study and spend lotsa time on studies but end up being jealous of those less hardworking ones who can strive for excellence, so easily, so so easily. Like as if they are granted with the magic hand or what so ever. (Just like what we always see from the drama. The cool hero is usually the one that selamba and relax saja. And yet, they are so "geng" ones. That's how the hero draws attention of the girls and at the same time, creates the intense jealousy in other guys' eye. But now, I am not the girl. I am the guy. I am so bloody jealous.) Being envious is good. Being jealous is.... not good. Not at all. So, I am gonna stop myself from being jealous now. Yes, I am gonna stop it. Now. =)

Since I am not granted with the talent, I shall just shuddap and work harder, and harder and harder. Right?

Tuesday without you

Tuesday without KC:

boring

tedious

blue

moody

sleepy

*roar*

Of ambivalence

Here's the lock.

But where's the key?

......

It's always like this. People would hint me something, but refuse to let me know the answer. And the reason is always "it's not something that you wanna hear".

I was angry.

Then I'd l start questioning, because I was curious. But the person would go on insisting that I shouldn't know.

I was confused.

As confused as I am, I'd keep saying things to make the person tell me what it was. But, the person said why do I have to push so hard?

I felt guilty.

Absolutely depressed.

And, blank.

......

......

......

......

......

I questioned like an interviewer and he answered like the worst interviewee in this world.

Nothing will remain the same

Each time the clock ticks and tocks, human is changing, the world is changing, and the story of every single living thing is changing. Nothing will be just like what it was yesterday. I am so tired of people who keep talking about yesterdays. Not that yesterdays should be forgotten, but, damn! Can't we just move on and let nature takes its course?

I am so sicked of you already. I had enough of your sms, enough of your e-mail, enough of your action without thinking what the consequences are, enough of your disturbance to my friends, enough of all the things you have done and are trying to do! After all the things you have done, what are you actually expecting? You are driving me insane! It's not about hatred. Really, it isn't! Who am I to hate you? I have already told you, I am feared of you! Can't you see what have you already done? You are terrifying me. Not just me, but my other friends too. Have you really thought before you do something? Or all you care is just how you feel? You think consistently saying sorry will do any good? Do you even mean it when you apologize? The day before you were apologizing for disturbing people, and the day after you were disturbing someone else. And what I mean about disturb is that... you have been asking the same questions, to me, to my friends, and who else?? I don't know how many times you want to ask the same questions again and again and again. The answer is already given. The answer is there. You saw it. I bet you do! But, you ignored it and continued asking other people about the same old thing. Can't you just stop bugging me or anyone around me about those questions anymore? And, you still don't understand about time and space. You have said, repeatedly said, that you will give me time. But, did you really give me time? Ask yourself, have you really stop appearing in my life for at least a week? Every few days, I will receive something from you, or news from other people about you. EVERY FEW DAYS!! Dang! You think you are the only one suffering? I am also suffering! And I had enough! I am already tired of the things you are doing. I don't understand you, and I don't want to understand too. I have already said whatever I can to make things crystal clear. If you still wish to remain like what you are now, I am speechless.