untitled

I am not a good lover. I never admitted that I am one. The fact is that, I wasn't born to be one.

I was so much a heartbreaker even since I had an inexplicable first love, like what most people had. I know it's a bad idea to put the blame on that one relationship. But the start is always the one that took the most emotions and left the deepest cut.

Since then, I had always been lost in love. Of course I am not too dumb to realize that at most time, I am the one who broke the other's heart. Somehow, I don't find myself wrong to be so honest to them because I was honest to myself. I can't live in a life that doesn't belong to me.

Speaking about freedom, I'd always lived under my parents' supervision. Food I eat, clothes I wear, the language I speak, and even, my hobby, has to be approved by them. It weren't that bad you see. Everything was guaranteed. I never got to know bad friends as I barely even mixed with people out of my school/tuition/college. Cons, I don't really know the right way to communicate. Worst is, I've no guts to face the world on my own due to over-dependence on family.

Back to the topic, as I lived under such conditions, I hunger more for freedom. At least, the freedom of thoughts. I don't mind to be the bad one in the relationship. But I really mind if I can't think the way I want it to be. How many more decades I can live in this world, living the way I want it to be? There were too many things that I've missed out during the past two decades. Duh, of course I'm not regretting about not making a change earlier. All I want is to slowly gain my freedom from now on. I have this bad+immoral 'habit' where I care less about how others feel. It's a habit that I want to get rid off. But I don't get to be selfish much when I was at home. I want to feel myself when I am out there even though I know I won't be likable when I do that. But when I was out of home, those selfishnesses drained me up. I couldn't even find a hole to dig into.

There's no conclusion for this. Just some rantings that needed to be spitted out.