寂

因为很寂寞，
所以更希望有更多更多的钱可以填满孤寂。

那至少伤痛可以暂时的离去。

老朋友

时间追着追着，而我浑然未觉的失去了好多好多朋友。

小学朋友，中学朋友，大学朋友。

我开始质疑我，到底忙了什么出来？

学业上不见得闯出一片天，也不见得成功的成为家里所期望的“好女儿”，更不见得成为朋友门的。。好朋友。

我，怎么了。



身为朋友的我，难免会吃醋。我想我已吃了很多。

不是要阻止朋友们得到幸福，
而是只不过想得到多一点的关心，想知道多一点他们的状况，想多几个肩膀可以靠。。

难过的时候，希望有个朋友在我身旁对我说，“哭吧，朋友！”
开心的时候，会想晚上在 fb 跟她或他分享我的快乐。更加希望，我的快乐在他们的眼里不是炫耀，而是很快乐的快乐。



朋友，你好吗？我好想念你。听说，你已有喜欢的人。见面时，你也没提起。是何时开始你，不再跟我聊这些了？

朋友，你病好了吗？你现在幸福吗？你不说，我也感觉到。他们给你的愉快，是我给不到的。在远方的我真心的祝福你永远都能这么快乐。

朋友，你。。应该还记得我吧？我知道你现在活在如此多彩缤纷的世界里。但也希望你在七彩中仍然记得黑色的我。

朋友，我们的尴尬何时才能破冰啊？

朋友，。。。

Sinful escape

After undergoing unnecessary depression last few days, I finally get the chance to scream out loud!

Yes, I know. It's final. It's final. Godamnit, it's final! But I can't move on as I am so stuck. So I decided to get out from the town to somewhere to have some fun. Best choice, Genting Highlands. Reason #1. It's cold. Reason #2. High chance to release stress.

See. I was so happy.

My beloved sayang that brought me to Genting on working day. <3

Why did I say it was sinful? First, I eat more than I play. Yongtaufoo.zibaogai.waffle.baskinrobbin.assamlaksa.starbucks.cottoncandy.chipster

As you can see, those are all oily+high calories foods. Who cares?

High sugar level.

Can't have enough of Starbucks.

For the first time in my life, I overcome my fear. I had roller coaster & pirates ship. Weird thing is that I don't feel dizzy or nauseous after the rides. Instead, my love is the one that got dizzy. Hahahaha~~~ (bangganess)

Starting from today, it will be rush-rush-rushing work everyday! Wish me luck!! Adios!

已经好几天了。

阳光不懂躲到哪儿去。我的世界被困在黑暗里。

心里仿佛住着一把刀，一直刺，一直刺。

如果可以的话，我现在就想逃。我可以逃吗？

煎熬～

罪

上天，请原谅我犯下的罪。

有些话还是得明说。

感恩。

痕

你 害了多少人

背负着你留下的伤痕

度过青春岁月

无助的朋友

你们听说过 "a friend in need is a friend indeed" 吗？

说着，在你最无助的时候伸出援手的是最真心的朋友。

但是如果说，这位真心的朋友很想伸出援手，可无助的朋友却不想接受，那该怎么办？

眼睁睁看着她在角落无助，却固执的不想接受任何人的帮忙，我忍不住对她的态度感到倦了，烦了。

坏了～

untitled 2

One thing I learn about life is, you gotta have someone that listens to you. It sickens me a lot when I feel no one is willing to listen to me when I am talking something seriously. It disgusts me even more when I am pouring my deep-side soul, and yet, people around don't give a damn. Gratefully, I still have friends who are willing to lend me their ears, and let me spit out my problems. And gratefully (x2), to have friends who are willing to motivate, love and care for me. A simple "you can do it" means so much to people. It doesn't cost you a cent to say that. Why would people want to be so stingy of those words? Come to talk about having different interests with people around, why would you want to disagree with something that your friends like so much? Just be OK with it, people. You don't have to show that disgusted face which really turn people off so much? Brrrr

Define yourself

昨天看了一篇文章。说着，不用为自己的成功而感到愧疚。杀那间，脑袋里出现身边的很多人，还有自己。常常因为在某些地方，发挥的比人好，而感到paise。其实真的很不酷～ 为何要感到愧疚？成功是努力而来的。辛辛苦苦努力出来的成果，成功是应该的。如果没有成功，也ok。反正人活着，只要努力，一定会有出头天。

除此之外，失败的人也不应该讨厌成功的人。妈的，成功人又没有得罪你。就因为人家考得比你好，有钱过你，长得比你漂亮，就得变成你讨厌的对象。西北幼稚。 看不下去人家成功，你就得多加把力咯。

而很努力很努力又一直失败的人，不要看到比你厉害的人而感到害怕。真正的努力不是避开厉害的人来忘记自己的弱点，而是更加接近厉害的人，从他们身上学习。尤其是在读书的时候，跟老师讨教是应该的。（反正都给了学费。就够够力的用尽它吧～）即使被老师／朋友嘲笑，it's okay。笑就笑。有学到东西就好了。好比自己躲在房里，懊恼下一步该怎么走。

在这个社会中，若要过得快乐，就要学会了解自己。突破自己的弱点，加强自己的优点，要往前爬，时不时也要往后看，看看自己进步了多少。

Define yourself.

p/s: 近期一直在想办法改造型。会是一个很漫长的evolution。

untitled

I am not a good lover. I never admitted that I am one. The fact is that, I wasn't born to be one.

I was so much a heartbreaker even since I had an inexplicable first love, like what most people had. I know it's a bad idea to put the blame on that one relationship. But the start is always the one that took the most emotions and left the deepest cut.

Since then, I had always been lost in love. Of course I am not too dumb to realize that at most time, I am the one who broke the other's heart. Somehow, I don't find myself wrong to be so honest to them because I was honest to myself. I can't live in a life that doesn't belong to me.

Speaking about freedom, I'd always lived under my parents' supervision. Food I eat, clothes I wear, the language I speak, and even, my hobby, has to be approved by them. It weren't that bad you see. Everything was guaranteed. I never got to know bad friends as I barely even mixed with people out of my school/tuition/college. Cons, I don't really know the right way to communicate. Worst is, I've no guts to face the world on my own due to over-dependence on family.

Back to the topic, as I lived under such conditions, I hunger more for freedom. At least, the freedom of thoughts. I don't mind to be the bad one in the relationship. But I really mind if I can't think the way I want it to be. How many more decades I can live in this world, living the way I want it to be? There were too many things that I've missed out during the past two decades. Duh, of course I'm not regretting about not making a change earlier. All I want is to slowly gain my freedom from now on. I have this bad+immoral 'habit' where I care less about how others feel. It's a habit that I want to get rid off. But I don't get to be selfish much when I was at home. I want to feel myself when I am out there even though I know I won't be likable when I do that. But when I was out of home, those selfishnesses drained me up. I couldn't even find a hole to dig into.

There's no conclusion for this. Just some rantings that needed to be spitted out.

Because it has all to do with money

When I was young, I always say happiness first. Money second. Easy to say, but hard to keep the promise.

As we grow up, we see the value of things. Every luxury has everything to do with money.

You buy stuff with money.

You buy time with money.

You buy people's heart with money.

The world is so tough. When you own something better, or possess a higher class, people look at you in a different way. Totally feel it when I just bought my Mac recently. It's like when you buy a Mac, you are of a higher status in the society. That's stereotype. This is the reason why I can't blame people for being so in love with money because with money, you earn adoration or maybe self-esteem. Even though I don't really like the idea of judging someone by something he/she owns, but ironically, that's the fact.

Come to think of it. We neither need an iPad or and iPhone. Many bought it just to gain approval from the society(or just to show off?). To me, it's silly to read from an iPad. People who love reading will understand why. And iPhone, despite the fact that it has the highest radiation level among all the smart phones, people just don't care. Having a status in the society is more important than their health(I think).

Sickening world we are living in. People no more talk with heart. Instead, they talk with money. Gahh~~ That's so lousy.

如果人生如戏

因为暑假的关系，连续看了三部连续剧。

看这些连续剧时都会很迷这些如此梦幻的故事。男主角一定很帅，不然就很厉害，不然就很有钱。女的，或许可爱，或许漂亮，但是好像都不会太聪明。要有点笨笨的，才可爱一些。

啊~连续剧把人生说的太简单了。

人生，怎么就只有那几位好友。

又怎么只有爸爸妈妈的烦恼。（现实中，其实有很多三姑六婆，左邻右舍，亲朋好友，哩哩啦啦）

又怎么会有“真相大白”。

又怎么只有那些用十只手指可以数得完的烦恼~

真正的人生有太多太多的插曲了。

真相太难找得出了。找到的话就真的是奇迹。（看看政治就懂了）

朋友太多。每个的感受都得顾虑。

对电脑的时间多过对任何东西。所以，所有的戏剧都只能在msn或facebook里发生。

说了这么多，其实，我是羡慕连续剧的剧情罢了。

多么简单。

唉~ 重点还是，真相一定会大白的！

为什么我们的现实生活不能简单一些呢。。

隐形的翅膀

一天一天的长大，就会越来越想念中学的时光。

以前，每天都过得很充实。泰拳道和赛跑，曾经是我生命的一部分。

到了大学，紧迫的步伐让我渐渐的失去了自由。有功课时就拼命做。有时间就睡觉，偷懒，休息。真的真的不会想去运动。

好了。读大学都已2年多了。

终于，

终于，

终于，

我受不了了！

每天就只动了几下脚。手也只不过按了数万次的mouse。难道做设计师就只能按mouse过日子吗？（tmd)

今天，终于下定决心，一定一定一定一定要去运动！

我要跑步去！！！！

对！这样就对了！奔跑时不经意的漏出微笑。虽然双脚踩着地，但是感觉就像飞一样。好久没有这么开心了。这种快感是无可代替的~

活在我体内的懒虫，你们通通都等着死掉吧！

哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈

完毕~

光光想想之。。。晚安的诗意

某天从电台听见这首歌，吓倒我。林宥嘉在选歌方面果然还是一如往常的大胆。

因为是主打，所以电台会一直播，一直播，播到我家人一听就转台。友人还说，听了就想睡觉。都说了是晚安。如果真能让你睡觉，那就代表这首歌，成功了！

在这儿要推介我近来极度喜爱的《晚安》。看看武雄老师如何将晚安写得如此幽美。

有关太阳升起，早安，起床，等等。。首首让人对新的一天抱着positivism 的歌已经变成一种cliche了。是时候来首conclusion-of-the-day 的歌了——晚安。

作词：武雄

天 空白着夜晚

城市一片灯火扰乱

风吹过看不见的天堂

是谁还在忙碌地追赶

晚安让记忆松绑

忘掉所有痛苦悲伤

让所有听不见的呐喊

随着黑夜一起埋葬

月 亮在你心坎

可曾把你的梦点燃

心疼你每一步的成长

擦乾眼泪变得更勇敢

晚安卸下了翅膀

轻轻打开梦里的窗

路尽管依然会有阻挡

让我陪你一起飞翔

梦 想去的地方

因为不变所以简单

爱如果早已经被遗忘

我的歌声不会有伤感

晚安静静地安躺

躺在可以放心的床

夜因为有了梦才宽敞

因为有你所以温暖

-------

光光最爱的一句：

晚安让记忆松绑

忘掉所有痛苦悲伤

光光想想之。。。友人

光光的好友有好几种。

（一）Close Friend

所谓的亲密朋友，通常都是身边的琐碎人物。像是，一定会同组的，一定会同班的，一定会碰面的。因为见面的几率极高，所以就会变得特别亲密。

缺点：因为常常见面，就会导致大家太了解彼此。当你太过了解一个人的时候，常常就会出现一些忍无可忍的时候。

有点：因为常常见面，所以他们都是陪伴你度过无数的难关，无数的快乐时光。回头一望，哇！原来我的回忆都装满了这班人！

（二）Best friend

好朋友。得空出来喝茶。谈心事。谈家事。谈工事。谈，谈，谈。。。什么都谈。可以谈到翻天覆地。哦！这就是我的好朋友。就是什么都不用避忌的谈谈谈！我好爱这班朋友。因为我实在太爱讲话了。叫我不说话，实在是太难为我了。

（三）Soul friend

心灵上的朋友，所来也真神奇。当你难过的不得了的时候，他们会无端端pop出来关心你。很奇怪，但也很温暖。这种朋友就是那些当你跌入谷里，手上还有电话，电话还有电，还收到电讯的时候，还会想到拨通电话求救的那些人了。这些人，可能你一生也碰不到。但是，我碰到了。而且，还不少。*感谢上帝*

什么种类的朋友都无所谓。反正在我生命里都占了很重要的地位。没有你们，我是我么？

*感恩*

如果我变成回忆

如果有哪天，我比我家人更早离开这个世界，我希望他们能够读这篇文章。

献给我至爱的家人，

我要的爱，

不是金钱。

也不是时间。

我要的爱，

是在我最辛苦的时候，拍拍我的肩旁，跟我说“孩子，加油啊！”

我要的爱，

是在我很努力，却考不好的时候告诉我，“努力过就好了！”

我要的爱，

是在我最无助的时候，站在我这儿，帮我一把，挺我到底。再一句，“别怕。我们都在！”

这，就是我要的爱。

我真的有那么贪心吗？

只要一句加油，我就会有无限的力量，继续走下去。

只要一句“你都没努力读书！”， 我就会痛侧心扉。因为，我真的很爱你们。所以也很在意你们对我的看法。

起身，吃饭，上课，放学，赶功课，睡觉；一切一切都是为了梦想前进。虽然老师都说，我们来这儿，都是为了学习，不是为了成绩。但是，你们都抱着期望，希望我能关关都考得优等。所以，无形的压力一直压迫着我。一方想，努力就好了。一方又想，真不希望让你们失望。这种感受，你们又何了解么？

在外面吃多少痛苦，都不够你们对我的否定来的痛苦。你们懂吗？

现在，我也只能够期望你们的醒觉。

感谢老天赐给我力量，继续走下去。

无论如何，我绝不轻生。

光光想想之。。。帮还是不帮？

人人要人帮，无人要帮人。

有人要帮人，无人需他帮。

说的就是生活上种种很奇妙的东西。

围绕在竞争力还算强的环境下，大家都想尽快到达目的地。所以，一旦有问题，就会问A，问B，问C。

A会答你，“我也不知道叻。。” （其实知道，但是不可以让别人知道）

B会答你，“我也不知道叻。。” （真的不知道。 上课在想下课吃什么）

C会答你，“ok。。我想想看。。” （会很努力很用心的帮你）

A=保护自己

B=无知无罪

C=用心待人

A，B，C 好像都没有错哦。

哦，这只是我想想而已。

光光想想之。。。身边的人

有些人，初次见面就似曾相识。有些人，见了上千次仍然素昧平生。

最近，看看身边的人。感觉上有点creamy。看起来很美的cream，也只不过是包装上的美。内涵如此虚伪，如此乏味。

最近，也认识了些人。感觉上有点coffee。即熟悉又不会腻。虽然不同的人泡的coffee 有不同的味道，但是那熟悉的味道还是存在的。窝心，窝心。

遗憾

如果这是遗憾，

遗憾在我们未曾有过任何回忆。

如果这是遗憾，

遗憾在你根本不会感到遗憾。

遗憾的，只有我一个人。

Maze

The state of being in a maze; you have no idea which turning will lead you to the exit.

You just have to keep walking and making decision that you are unsure of.

You can't just stop moving. It's either you try harder to find the right exit, or you will be stuck in the maze forever.

No one knows you are in the maze, therefore no one will come for rescue. It's you, who is holding the chance of getting out of the maze.

To continue and have hope of getting our of this maze or to stop and wait for the death to arrive?

-----------------------------

Corporate Identity is the maze. I am stuck in the maze, couldn't quite get the right way out. I keep walking and walking, yet finding myself coming back to the same place I am stuck in. I am feared. I am lost. I am desperate to get out of this hell. Yet, there's no solution, except for keep trying. I don't know which way will lead me out to the right exit, and which way will lead me out to the hell.

Having this mere confidence, should I give up, or.... should I just keep chasing pavement?

Opacity? 0%

How it feels to be transparent?

No, no.. No way to let people understand the state I am in cos no one can understand, except for myself. If the same kind of incident happen on someone else, they will feel the same as I do too.

Let it be. Hide it well. Be the best actor or actress. Life goes on.

Let's talk, not fight

FUCK YOU!

Despite the fact that I really hate listening those two words, I swallowed them.

We always try to get rid of the bad feelings we had when we are unhappy with someone. It's normal, very very normal. But getting rid of bad feelings on the innocents, or even the guilties by scolding FUCK YOU just doesn't solve any problem. It is a sign of immaturity. Hope everyone can calm down before voicing out opinions. In my case, isolating myself and thinking what is the best for all parties work the best for me. What about you?

Return

I finally returned to my blog, but I don't know if I will just walk away again.

Things hasn't been very well, but still, things hasn't been that bad too. So, there wasn't much thing to talk about.

The more we talk, the more people talk. Rumours, back stabbing, hatred, jealousy; these things are like air, surrounding us, forcing us to sniff it even if we refused to.

*sigh*

Coffee Deprivation Day 2

I miss my coffee. :/

Day 2 without coffee.

Slight headache, but not as bad as Day 1. Still feels tired. And still couldn't take it off my mind.

Coffee~~~

Coffee Deprivation Day 1

Coffee has been such my great companion throughout my wonderful mornings, my lazy afternoons and also my sleepless nights. To me, coffee isn't just about keeping me awake. It's an indulgence that is so damn irresistible. I need it, I want it, and I can't stop thinking about it. Some friends even say I take coffee like drug. Uhh.. To be honest, I hate the statement. It's just a kind of addiction that most human has. Some people are addicted to games, some are books, some are ice-cream, some are chocolate, some are movies, etc. In my case, it's coffee.

Despite the love for coffee, I just read an article on the negative effects of high dosage of coffee. It scares me so much that I made up my mind to deprive coffee from my life for a moment (as in... a few days). So many months and years of mom's advice for not taking so much of coffee didn't work. But a simple article on the harm of coffee can change my mind in less than a minute. Uhh..

Okay, let's talk about Day 1. I had morning class on the day, which also means I had to wake up very early to catch the train. At first, it was okay. But when the class started, I already feel very very sleepy. I nearly fell asleep when the lecture went on for so so long, with no break. By lunch time, I felt a slight headache already. Ignore the fact that I was having a headache, I insisted to go for a movie with my friends. After the movie, I felt like lying down on the bed immediately. But I couldn't. When I got home, I tried so hard to hold myself back from the bed. Damn! The bed was so distracting. La-la-la.. I still managed to stay up till 12 something. But I also slept until 11am the morning after.

Blah~~ This is what happens to a person who deprive coffee from her life for a day.